Where's the Damn Horn Balm When you Need It!
by DJValkyrie
Summary: Since Bull used up all of the horn balm, Josephine has another solution. One-Shot. No Spoilers.


**A/N:**  
Repost from AO3

Disclaimer: Don't own anything (except for my Inquisitor.)

* * *

With a growl, the blonde Qunari scratched at her horns again in discomfort.

Tamsin-Jeanne Adaar was not ordinary looking for her kind; long blonde hair, silvery grey skin, emerald green eyes, lots of ear piercings and a grand tattoo on her back. Like most Qunari though, she was born with horns. Hers were a glistening, dark onyx color.

TJ sat on a bench in Skyhold's inner garden scratching away at her prized horns, gritting her teeth at the discomfort.

She needed horn balm, as they were itching. Bull had the same problem, but his were larger and must cause him a fair bit of irritation.

However, TJ went to see him earlier to ask to borrow some horn balm, but he didn't have any.

 _"Sorry Boss. I'm all out…I used it on myself, and you know how big lefty and righty are, almost as big as their brothers!" He had flexed his arms with a bark of laughter, so TJ just scowled in annoyance and chugged his ale in one gulp before storming out of the tavern, scratching away at her own horns._

"How is it we have racks of weapons, mountains of food and more than a whole acreage of elfroot but we don't have any fucking horn balm?!" TJ hissed to herself as she continued to scratch away.

The Inquisition scouts were observing her from afar; TJ reminded them of a Mabari with fleas. Being a storm master.

The blonde qunari felt their gazes upon her, so she turned around and snarled at the tiny humans.

"Don't you have demons to look out for?!" She snapped, and a lightning bolt struck at their feet from her outburst.

The Scouts made like the wind to the higher level of the grand structure.

TJ sighed and placed her head in her left hand, while the right kept scratching.

"I need to ask Josephine if we can get some in," she muttered to herself.

* * *

"Horn balm? We should have some already," Josephine thought out-loud, tapping her quil lightly against her cheek.

TJ sighed as she continued to scratch away; at this rate, she'd have no horns by the morning.

"Bull's used it all," she explained, and Josephine let out a sigh of annoyance.

"You'd think he'd have the common knowledge to leave _some_ behind for you."

"It doesn't matter, can you please just order some in for me? Please?" TJ widened her eyes and pouted at her lover, who smiled and flipped over a fresh piece of parchment.

"Of course we can, my darling. Was there any brand you wanted in particular?"

"Brand doesn't matter, just as long as it gets here as soon as possible," TJ growled the last part of her sentence as she dug her finger nails into her horns with gritted teeth.

Josephine knotted her brow as she wrote down a request to get more horn balm, then a thought struck her.

"Inquisitor, do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" she asked TJ, who shook her head.

"No. I've got no free hands to do anything," the Qunari sighed, ignoring the inner disgust towards the pun.

Josephine looked at her and bit her lip, then stood up and leaned over her desk.

"Do you think you could live with the scratching for one more hour? If you meet me in your quarters, I have something that might be able to help you."

TJ smirked as she slowed down on the scratching; a rather dirty thought crossed her mind as her lip piercing glinted in the light from the fireplace.

"Josie, I don't think scratching _other_ parts of my body will help."

Josephine scoffed and flicked the blonde's nose with her quill.

"If you bothered to remove your mind from the waste, I could explain!" She scolded as her lover let out a chuckle.

"Alright, alright. What did you have in mind?" TJ asked as she resumed her scratching.

Josephine looked at TJ, "There is a remedy we could try. It's traditionally used for back aches or allergic reactions- I use it when I come in contact with spindleweed, but it's worth a try."

"Sounds delightful, Lady Montilyet" TJ smiled, then bent down to give Josephine a quick kiss on her lips. She turned on her heel and walked towards the door in the most ladylike fashion she could.

"Until one hour, My beloved," she winked over her shoulder, and closed the door behind her.

Josephine giggled at the flirtatious nature, but then heard TJ yell loudly from the other side about how 'fucking painful this shit was,' followed by gasp and the sound of electricity.

* * *

TJ was sitting cross-legged on her grand Orlesian bed, scratching away at her horns and whining.

People would _definitely_ think she was a Mabari with fleas- her leg was even twitching slightly.

TJ counted down the minutes of the hour painstakingly as she felt her fingernails go blunt from all the scratching.

The irritation was just too much without horn balm.

"Fucking Bull," she growled, moving closer to the root of her horns. Thunder was rumbling outside as the clouds slowly turned grey.

"Taking all the horn balm, you should be in charge of new recruits for that!" She shook her head to let all the flakes fall out of her blonde hair, that was down and curled around her shoulders.

With a sigh, TJ picked up the flakes into her cupped hands and used her mage fire to burn them into nothingness. She then took a sip from her bottle of ale and growled for the umpteenth that time that day.

"C'mon, Josie," TJ frowned as she raised a hand to keep going. Her arms had been in this position all day, and her muscles ached, but this was now a natural position for them.

She hadn't touched her staff all day, so it just sat there on her back, lonely and missing the touch of TJ's skilled hands.

"Are you decent for me to come up, my love?" Josephine's heavenly voice called from the bottom of the staircase, echoing slightly.

TJ let out a noise that sounded a cross between a growl, howl, squeal and whine. There was a giggle as the footsteps patted against the stone steps, and the rumbling from outside increased in volume.

"I will take that as a 'yes,'" Josephine smiled as she emerged from the steps.

Her porcelain bronze hands held a rather elegant and expensive looking box.

TJ looked at her with pleading eyes and bit her lip.

Josephine's jaw dropped from the adorable look and she couldn't help but coo in Antivan.

" _Aww, mi bambino_ ," she walked towards the bed and sat down on the edge.

She gently kissed The Inquisitor on the cheek before showing her the box.

"This is an Antivan cream we use to help with itches and rashes. As I said before, it helps with my Spindleweed allergy. It is made of fish scales, apples, dawn lotus and contains chilli to allow a natural heat relief."

" _Fish scales?!_ " TJ gagged from hearing the ingredients.

Josephine's lips curled into a grin, "I agree, but the fish scales provide a substance to help be rid you of this malaise."

Josephine looked up at her lover, the pain in her eyes was evident, and there was a trickle of sweat running down from her forehead.

The front of her blonde hair was damp with sweat, and flakes from her horns were in parts of the strands.

The horns were tender with an angry redness swelling at the bottom near TJ's temples.

Josephine reached up to gently caress the Qunari's cheek.

"Would you like to give this try?"

"Wh-When does the horn balm come in?" TJ whimpered.

"Three days is the fastest it can ship from The Free Marches," Josephine said, and TJ let out a long whine.

She looked down at the box, and Josephine took off the lid to show her the cream.

It looked like custard, but smelt of chilli and fish.

TJ bit her lip. Did she _really_ want to wait three days for horn balm, or give Josephine's cream a try.

Her horns throbbed, and that made up her mind.

"Alright, let's do this," she sighed.

Josephine smiled, "I promise you the smell will not be so prominent after a while," she reassured the Qunari.

The mage let a grin quirk as Josephine kissed her lips lightly.

"How about I make this easier for you," Josephine shuffled along the bed up near the pillows and smoothed out her dress.

TJ tilted her head into her fingernails to scratch more as Josephine then patted her lap invitingly.

TJ smiled and repositioned herself to rest her head in the human's lap, she was careful not to puncture Josephine or rip her clothes with her horns.

Josephine placed the box next to her on the bed and dipped her fingers into the cream.

She rubbed them together, and started to gently rub the base of TJ's horns, focusing on the angry red patches first.

TJ let out a sigh of relief and closed her eyes. Josephine's hands were magical. Josephine made slow, circular motions with her hands, making sure she got every area at the base.

The Antivan was also careful to not get too much of the cream into TJ's blonde hair, and the Qunari noticed this from the woman's hand patterns and delicate massages around the roots.

"Don't worry if you do. It doesn't bother me," she mumbled, the rhythm was making her drowsy.

Josephine could help but grin as she felt the mage's breathing slow down.

It had only been a few minutes earlier that the blonde was scratching and whining, now she was a lazy bunny in her lap.

Her sudden change in demeanour also meant that the storm clouds outside were changing back to their fluffy white, and the rumbling was beginning to die down.

Josephine continued to work her own magic by placing a tiny amount of pressure on the base to ease up the swollen area.

TJ let out a hum of pleasure as the itching disappeared and was replaced with the gentle cream; she was worried that the chili's heat would be painful, but it wasn't.

Josephine let out a hum of her own as she moved to the back area of the horns.

"Is the cream okay?' Josephine asked, and TJ nodded.

"It's almost better than horn balm itself. Let's just cancel that shipment and use this stuff," TJ lazily flung a hand in the air as Josephine giggled.

"Unfortunately, the message has already been sent. I guess you can just give it all to Iron Bull if you do not wa-"

A noise came from TJ that suggested she did not want that to happen. Josephine giggled and lightly.

"Very well, we will not let that happen."

Josephine continued her rhythm, observing the curl of TJ's onyx horns.

"One time at a soiree in Orlais, I spoke with a Qunari named Tashvilk. They said a Qunari's horns will look like their mother's or their father's," Josephine 's soft voice sounded as the last of the clouds stopped rumbling.

TJ hummed to confirm this.

"Since you knew who your parents were, whom do you take after?"

TJ responded without opening her eyes,

"My mother, Rosinha. My horns are like hers," her mumbling was just coherent enough for Josephine, who smiled.

She had never met TJ's parents, or heard much about them as people.

"That's a lovely name. What about your father?" Josephine asked, and TJ opened one eye to look up at her.

"Planning to send them a letter, Lady Ambassador?" She asked with a playful grin to confirm she was only teasing.

Josephine raised an eyebrow, not stopping her massage or the itching would come up again.

"It is merely a conversation, your worship. You have met my family and know all about them, I know nothing of your parents."

"Touché, Kadan," TJ closed her eye.

"My father is Owain Adaar, a former military worker of the Qun. He met my mother in the east and they both deserted the Qun to start a new life. Then they had me; Tamsin-Jeanne…Adaar. Mama had magic in her blood, that's where the magic came from. Papa…was blonde in his youth, so I obtained that, too."

"Fascinating," Josephine mused as she started to slowly move up to the horns, gently massaging them.

It just occurred to her that this was the first time she held TJ's horns so gently, normally she would be holding them when they had sex.

"May I ask you something, TJ?"

"Mmm," TJ hummed a response, not caring anymore as long as Josephine kept massaging her horns.

"Your name is Tamsin-Jeanne. Forgive me, but that's an incredibly…human name…is it not?"

"Correct, Josie," TJ responded, a little less coherent this time.

"Mama didn't want me or my brother to get picked on, so she gave us human names."

"A brother? You never told me you had a brother!" Josephine exclaimed, in shock of this news.

TJ opened her eyes and smiled, "You never asked."

"Well, what is your brother like? What is his name? Is he also a mage?" Josephine asked, and TJ chuckled lazily,

"He's younger…works in military…names' Sylvester…goes by Vester…annoying little shit…" TJ started to slur her words as sleep started to overtake her.

Josephine giggled again and leaned forward to kiss TJ on the forehead.

"Mmm…G'night Josie…" TJ mumbled as she drifted off, and Josephine could smiled down at her sleeping lover. The thunder rumbling had completely ceased.

Josephine was glad that the cream worked to relieve TJ of her itching horns, at least until they were sent more from Kirkwall.


End file.
